The Walking Stick Journal
Stepping Stones of Transformation
An Unfolding Manuscript
by
C. D. Baker
Chapter Twenty-Three: Shift Work
Sometimes the way we relate to life shifts in deep places. We experience movements of consciousness stirring within. Our awareness changes. We no longer experience life in exactly the same way.
We awaken to new things. We begin to understand, differently; we start to feel, differently. Our desires change.
This is the mystery of soul-shifting, and soul-shifts signal something. They are alerting us that transformation is underway.
Even if that transformation is one step at a time.
Even if it is experienced in fits and starts.
***
Fall 2023
Notes to self: I stopped for coffee near Bill’s office and sat in my truck for a bit. The Lyme Disease diagnosis was something of a relief; it gave me some reasons for how terrible I’ve been feeling. But I also know that this inner turmoil has contributed somatic stresses. Years of night sweats and chronic fatigue, dizziness and anxiety. Too much for too long.
I closed my eyes and I unexpectedly recalled the mission statement for my writing: ‘To share the mysteries of the Gospel so that the broken are comforted, the curious are piqued, and the strong are challenged.’
It then hit me that this is exactly what the Holy Spirit has been doing with me. Wild. But I had no idea that the process would be so terrible. I’m glad there’s been progress and I need to keep my eyes on that. Time to tell Bill about last week’s helpful shift.
*
“Come in, David.” Bill shakes my hand and we both sit.
I set my coffee to one side, open my notepad and we’re soon deep into it. “Well, a couple of days ago I suddenly shifted away from demanding a centering concept. You know, a key principle to ‘fix’ me.”
Bill crosses his leg. “You’ve been working for that forever.”
“Hard to explain why the sudden change.”
Bill laughs. “Good.”
“It was like I just knew I was off course. It was a huge relief to stop striving to figure everything out and simply accept life as a mysterious process.” I tap my pen. “Honestly, I’m not sure where it came from, but it was a deep shift and felt great.”
“What do you think you gave up when you let go of that demand?”
The answer comes quickly. “Control. I fixate on controlling through understanding.” A startling awareness rises and I blurt, “I’ve been looking for an idea to save me instead of God.” My own words trouble me.
Bill holds that for a moment, then offers some consolation. “Your relentless fear has driven you to control your world…even if that’s with ideas.”
I turn my head.
“We reach for what we are able, and you’ve been able to work effectively in the world of the intellect.”
I stare at my notepad. The word ‘arrogance’ comes to mind.
Bill pauses. “In the end, control strategies may feel safe, but they tend to isolate us and leave us lonely.”
I oblige a nod.
He adjusts his position. “Your trust was broken as a child. Early voices get inside our psyche before they can be contradicted, and that makes them very powerful. You learned to believe that you could only trust yourself. Hence, control.”
Old news.
Bill clears his throat. “Okay, so your shift was away from control. Now tell me what you shifted toward.”
I strain for a moment. “Trust?”
Bill feigns clapping his hands. “Exactly. Trust. And trust moves you beyond yourself; it moves you into a process directed by grace.”
“I’ve found that ‘trust’ works as a concept, but it’s hard to live out.”
“What if you try trusting other voices in this process?”
I breathe slowly for a few beats. That would be a big shift. For some reason I mention a lunch that I had with Will last week. “We talked about his injury. He said it was like he had died even though he had no memory of any of it. I told him that his inner soul had experienced a form of death and he now sees life differently…that he should be patient for all the good that is coming and learn to be available for what the Spirit is going to do.
“But I think he already knew all of that.” I laugh at myself, lightly. “He then told me about his experiences of waiting on God, his asking to see him, and then about how he looks at the stars in a new way.” A lump rises in my throat. “That injury prompted a huge move within him.”
It suddenly occurs to me that Will is a witness to truth—an outside voice that I can trust. I look at Bill. He’s been a voice to trust for years. Have I taken that for granted? Who else have I missed? Names rush forward.
I pause, staring at my notepad. My mind is beginning to run. I look up and change course. “Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to get somewhere that I’m already at. Other times I feel lost.”
Bill offers a settling tone. “These are beautiful, powerful experiences. Can you feel them? We know ourselves—and each other—through our hearts more than our minds. Our hearts are bigger than our minds. This is another shift for you.”
I jot that down.
He smiles. “By the way, what if we can’t actually be lost?”
I look up and stare, blankly.
“That felt true, didn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“We can feel truth.” Bill stands. “And it’s truth that is moving you.” He smiles. “Things are changing and it’s all going to be okay.”
💎 🌾 💎
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