The Walking Stick Journal
Stepping Stones of Transformation
An Unfolding Manuscript
by
C. D. Baker
Chapter Twenty-Four: Bearing With-ness
Experiencing life ‘with’ usually involves a sharing of space, a sharing of purpose, a commitment to togetherness. Being with is knowing and being known. True with-ness relies on an authenticity of trusting relationship and therefore summons vulnerability.
With-ness feels a little different than belonging. There is a quality of sojourning that prompts an awareness of mutuality and even solidarity of movement. With-ness is a mystery of union awakened within the essential nature of our humanness. It is a profound capacity shared with God. With-ness is a way toward wholeness, which is to say salvation.
And yet a surprising question remains: Are we able to bear it?
And why not?
***
Late Winter 2024
I glance through the window to see snowflakes falling hard, open my notepad, and click my pen.
Bill smiles. “And?”
“Yeah, I can’t explain it. I was just watching TV and out of nowhere I decided that I’d rather trust God than myself. It was this huge shift and without any drama or heavy thoughts. It was a wonderful, deep, connecting feeling.”
“Notice that this happened while you were watching television. It was given to you. This has nothing to do with you and yet everything to do with you.”
“Well, I’m afraid of messing it up.”
Bill laughs. “Like I said, it had nothing to do with you.”
I look out the side window for just a second, thinking. “The feeling was like being with, like somehow attached. I never really felt connected to very many things. It’s like there’s always been some kind of veil between me and the rest of life. I’m working on trusting others, but I’ve always felt safer at arm’s-length, especially toward God, and...”
“Your veil was more like a fortress! And you built it to feel safe.”
I pause. “I’m still holding on to something, but that TV moment...”
“Felt real,” says Bill. “Because it was real. This whole process is an awakening that you can feel. Your soul recognizes that you remaining behind the walls has been absurd...and NOT real.”
I look past Bill and through the other window where the snow is covering rooftops. My mind drifts to the 40-minute ride north.
I shift gears and tell Bill that I decided my upcoming Easter sunrise service meditation will be on ‘with-ness.’ “I’m studying Romans 5 where Paul reminds us that we are one ‘with’ Christ.”
Bill waits.
“But the more I study, the more I realized that the idea troubles me. I asked myself what I was afraid of. What came up was that I might not be wanted. Maybe I’m not ‘with-worthy.’” I force a chuckle.
“That’s habitual thinking. You grew up fearing you would always fail to be approved and therefore, rejected.”
My shoulders tense. “Well, a few days later I marched to my rock and told God that I was ready to belong to him...to finally surrender. If I’m honest, I thought I was pretty brave.” I shake my head. “But you know what I got? Silence...and a real feeling of unwelcome.”
Bill crosses his ankles and taps his fingers together. “You seem frustrated about that.”
I grumble, remembering.
“You felt good...even noble...about making that ‘brave move,’ didn’t you?”
His comment feels like a barb and I don’t like it. “I did what he’s been after me to do...”
“Did you?”
I squirm.
Bill folds his arms. “Your supposed surrender was a move of your ego. You thought you had earned God’s approval but got snubbed.” He sets his face. “But what was rejected was that false ego of yours, not the actual you.”
My face flushes.
“Your wounded self still believes you must do some brave, noble gesture to earn acceptance.”
I’m listening, stone-faced.
“You can’t imagine being loved AS you, so you assume the worst...like not being wanted unless you pull off some magic.” He’s now rapid fire. “On one hand, you exhaust yourself trying to hyper-achieve your way into acceptance. On the other, you secretly believe the worst about yourself so no one can hurt you...even God.” Bill takes a breath. “Either way, the whole idea of walking with others, let alone God, feels like a trap so your false ego kicks into high gear.”
I look into my notepad.
“God will always reject your false ego.” He lets that sink in, then leans far forward. “He wants to share life with YOU...the real David, period.” His tone softens. “Who you are is not what you do or how you do it.”
My jaw feels tight.
“Your fortress is gone and you are safe.” Bill settles back. “You...the true YOU...are already loved. God is already with you.” He pauses, then drops a bomb. “Actually, God is not just with you, he lives within you.”
That throws me. Too much.
Bill closes his eyes for a moment, thinking. “Remember the name you heard God give you those years ago on your rock?”
My mind is racing elsewhere.
“It was ‘Beloved.’ You are a man beloved by God just because you are.”
God actually indwells me? The concept has become an unexpected reality and I feel myself wanting to run.
This is suddenly too much to bear...and I’m not sure why.
💎 🌾 💎
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