Deep down inside I saw:

A dark figure is lurking in the far reaches of my heart; it lurks in the far reaches of my mind. It is made of shadow, it’s wispy figure is clad in darkened armor. It, no, it is he, because let’s be honest, this shade is simply a part of me, hiding just beyond the fringe of sight. I pursued it. I dove deep, and entered its layer.

Shadows encompassed the chamber. The room pulsates with a steady beat. Thub-ump. Thub-ump.  I’m inside, and there’s an unrest about this place, there’s something in the air, maybe it’s the way walls are moving. The smell is musty, it’s as though someone hasn’t dusted in a long while.

And then I see the shadow-man. Just a glimpse at first, over in the corner, and then he’s gone. Then I see him again, betrayed only by the slight discoloration of darkness on a dark wall, pulsing in and pulsing out. I take another step forward.

There was an unseen threshold, because I can feel the dread now. It’s like stepping into pudding, but the pudding is more of a sludge. I begin to understand why the shadow is so afraid. I continue forward, each step heavier than the last, I can feel the thickness of the fear trying to push me out. I press in all the same.

It’s an odd feeling. My own heart starts to beat faster, I feel slithering tentacles tracing my skin, they’re not really there, I think, but they feel like they are. Chills shoot up and down my spine, and the walls in the room shudder. They’re pulsing a little bit quicker now, too.

My mouth starts to dry out, I can taste the roof of it as my tongue flattens against it. Even the saliva is dry.

And there he is, in the corner. He’s in a fetal position, cowering with his face tucked in and his back to me. I’m afraid now. I’m afraid because I realize I’ve known about him for years, I’ve known he’s always been here, and he’s been afraid for a long time. I take a deep breath, but it’s no good. My hands are shaking with the confidence of a nervous laugh, my mind is drudging up a million what-if’s and I feel compelled to turn away. I can feel my heart flipping inside my chest. The dark room misses a beat.

I’m terrified. Not the kind of terrified you feel when you watch a scary movie. The kind of terrified that happens when you come home, and you don’t know if you’re wanted. The kind of terrified that makes you think all the pain you’ve ever felt is your fault. The kind of terrified that makes you wonder if you’re good enough. I take another step forward.

I reach down, and I touch the shadow-man’s shoulder. It’s head turns and I can picture its hideous face before I see it: snarling and missing teeth, weeping eyes and a phlegmy nose. I think it’s going to kill me. And then it turns to me, so I can see it’s face, and I find out that I am mistaken. I find out that I am mistaken, indeed.

The first thing I see is not bloody eyes but eyes that are hurt. Eyes that are hurt and full of fear, but not hateful. He gives me a smile. The smile is weak at first, but it betrays no fangs. His nose is a little runny, but nothing as grotesque as I had imagined. I offer him my hand, and he takes it. When he stands up, we hug each other.

The shadow man was no monster. And he was hardly a man. He was innocent, boyish in a way. The dark shroud that layers him begins to clear, slowly, very human skin starts to peek through. And then I’m standing beside myself, looking at the child that was hurt and afraid. I’m looking at my Fear, and my Fear is looking at me. I say I love you, and it says, I forgive you.

The room begins to lighten, the pulse of the place slows down. The walls start to glow red, a warm red, like we’re just beside a hearth, and everything’s okay. We’re safe now.

Then everything freezes. A new character walks into the chamber. It has no eyes, and while it’s stare is far from piercing, it threatens to swallow everything around it. It threatens to consume us, dissolve us into the empty sockets that seem to lead into eternal darkness. It’s face is twisted, it’s wicked smile is full of malice and mischief. It holds its hand out, and it has something to offer. What the something is I’m not entirely sure of, but it feels good. The something has an aura of pleasure that radiates from it. It also has an aura of sharpness, a touch of danger, but the danger makes it exciting. I can feel the boy behind me, clutching my hand, shaking. I can feel the shadows threatening to come back, to take the chamber’s warm fire glow and replace it with cold darkness as empty as the eyes of the It that stands in front of me. I realize this thing in front me is why I’ve never come here before. I realize that this is why I’ve never met the boy so desperately looking to know he is loved behind me. I realize why I’ve always been so afraid.

I step towards it. Behind me the child is scared, but he trusts me enough to follow. I let go of his hand for a moment, and I take the something from the It’s hands. It’s certainly sharp. I flashback to blurry nights and dangerous friends. I remember stumbling into beds, hating myself and regretting the company I shared the beds with. I think of all my hurt, all my hate, and I think of all the times I was so afraid. I think of all the life that slipped away in some river that led to nowhere. I look It in the hallows where eyes might be, and I give the something back: No thank you, I say.

It shrieks. It beats its chest with its fists as though it’s gone mad. And if howls and screams and beckons. I do not move. I feel the fear though. It’s screaming too, begging me to give in. I almost do. I almost give in the way I’ve given in so many times before. But behind me is a reason not to give in, so I do not. I realize this is not because I am strong, but because, for the sake of the child clutching my hand, I cannot give in anymore.

It leans in and screams its blood curdling howl in my face. I feel the spit on my skin, it burns. Eventually it stops. And I look into those hollows, and I tell it that I love it, too.

Then it blinks away the hollowness, and it stops shrieking. It’s head goes limp, and it buries it into my shoulder. The boy comes and hugs it too, and the thing dissolves into a wave of light, and the life it sought to run from washes over us. And we’re free. We know it won’t always be easy to remember, but we know, we know we are free.

And so together we leave the chamber, and we take in a breath of fresh air. It feels good.